Why Broken Inside?

I guess I should explain why I’m calling my blog broken inside…

I have depression, anxiety and PTSD.  I’m also on the Autism spectrum so I have a lot of sensory problems.  Put all these things together and life is tough enough, but I also have severe self-esteem issues.  Add that into the mix and its no wonder I feel broken inside but I’m working on feeling better.

I will say this, this blog may get dark sometimes.  I will always post trigger warnings on posts that warrant it.  I will add (TW) to the title of any posts that require one.  I do self harm and I struggle with my depression daily.  However this is my journey and I need to get out everything in my writing.  My hope is that my writing can help somebody else find strength or at least find that they are not alone.

Love,

Patti

Breaking Again

I feel like I’m beginning to break again and all because of a phone call.
A number that should have been blocked long ago but I forgot.
I’ve been good for so long that the idea of breaking again terrifies.
A feeling that should have been destroyed long ago but I forgot.

2 years free and now it looms over me again.
The ache I feel when I am numb inside.
2 years of getting away with out this pain.
The ache I feel when the numbness hits.

I’m so tired of fighting the same fight year after year
Is this the time I lose my fight or do I continue on.
I’m fighting the biggest battle inside my head,
Is this the fight I lose?

Art

Art is an outlet that lets me express myself in a way that words can’t. Recently I’ve been selling some of my art and I’m considering putting certain pieces up on my site here. They are a part of my expression of myself and deserve to be shown as much as my words.

Telling me

Telling me I'm worthless
Telling me to give up
Telling me I am not enough
Telling me I should just end it

Try telling me you're proud
Try telling me to keep trying
Try telling me that I'm enough
Try telling me not to give up

Tell me

Changes and struggles

Lately my life has been nothing but changes and as the people who know me best know: I hate change.

I’m handling them as best I can but it’s not something I’m necessarily good at. I’ve been struggling with the changes and my depression has been really bad. I’ll admit part of that is having trouble remembering my medications which creates a whole other set of problems. I’m going to be working really hard this coming week on getting in to see my psychiatrist and making sure I don’t sleep through therapy this week. I’m also in the process of setting up my work table in the apartment.

I’m working on painting more regularly and have started a bullet journal that I plan on making a med and mood tracker in but let’s be honest… I’m struggling and I probably need to get more help. I’m so afraid of being treated different than other people but let’s face it. I’m nobody’s idea of normal and I struggle with the “simple” act of being an adult.

And yet I’m the responsible one in the apartment. I’m the one keeping everything relatively clean and I try my best to keep unnecessary spending to a minimum in our household. This week I’ve struggled with that and I’ve splurged quite a bit, but as I said on my Facebook yesterday I had one of the best days I’ve had in quite a while. I splurged and spent more money than I should but I also treated some of the people who have been there for me to a special treat.

Today when I get home, I’m cracking the whip and getting everything cleaned (roommate will be helping regardless of how he feels about it). We haven’t swept more than a cursory sweep or mopped since we moved in almost a month ago. I’ve tried to keep up with a light vacuum daily in the kitchen but I’m going to get down on my hands and knees and clean that kitchen floor today. I’m also going to unpack the last box today. I feel like if I can get everything unpacked and sorted I’ll feel more at home.

A quick life update

I’ve now been an employee at Salt and Light for 6 months now.  I’ve been volunteering for the past 15 months and continue to enjoy my time here.  I recently moved out of a supportive living facility into a shared apartment (yeah still not sure how I feel about it). I’m going thru a lot of change and upheaval and I see it chipping away at me right now.  I’ve been struggling more than usual with my depression and anxiety because of all the change. Sometimes the change you choose breaks you down some. I’m just hoping that I can get back out of this hole I’ve begun falling down into.

To my real life friends reading this, I’m sorry I haven’t told you guys how much I’m struggling. I know it probably seems like I’m doing okay but I’m struggling.  Most days I wish I didn’t wake up but I still put on my face and push through it.  Don’t worry, I’m going to be getting more help for it. Please just remind me that you will listen, it’s the best thing you can do for me at this point.

I do plan on posting more. I know that I need to get all these feelings out and onto paper instead of letting them fester inside. I’m not looking for validation I’m just purging my brain. I plan on beginning to post some pictures of my painting soon. Be gentle and don’t say anything if you can’t be nice.  Remember Thumper from Bambi.

Redesigning

I’m currently in the process of redesigning my blog to be more in tune with the content on it. Let’s be honest I’m not the sugary colors that were showing up. My writing on here is raw and it hurts to read sometimes.

 

Please stick around for the changes and more frequent posts.

Telling

Telling me it gets better
How would you know

Telling me to cheer up
Trust me I’m trying

Telling me to be strong
You have no idea

Telling me you understand
No you really don’t

Let me tell you something
It hasn’t gotten better

Let me tell you something
I’ve been trying to cheer up

Let me tell you something
I’m stronger than you know

Let me tell you something
You don’t understand me

 

Writing this is cathartic. When someone with depression tells you they feel bad, these are the things that we don’t want to hear. Unless you have depression these things seem so simple but they aren’t. We don’t want to hear you tell us it gets better.  Because  when will it get better?

Please don’t tell someone to cheer up. Trust me they’ve tried. It doesn’t work like that. It just makes us want to punch you. Please don’t tell someone to be strong. Living with depression is having a spine of steel. Waking up every day is so much harder than you can imagine.

Fighting

Fighting a battle
Fighting my  mind
Fighting every day
Fighting for my life

Fighting the self-hate
Fighting the self-loathing
Fighting the self-destruction

Fighting the urges
Fighting to live
Fighting to stay here
Fighting to survive

Sharing My Words

Sharing my thoughts with the world

Sharing my troubled thoughts with the world

Sharing my hopes with the world

But I don’t have a place in this world

Salt and Light

Salt and Light has been an amazing blessing in my life.  Recently a lot of crap has come up where they got unfairly slandered.  The same person who did this manipulated me into believing what he said and as a result I felt absolutely shattered once I learned the truth.

Nathan Montgomery pulled me aside and explained a lot of things to me.  He took time to make sure I understood what he was saying and let me take the time to process.  Because of my Autism it sometimes takes me longer to process things.  He didn’t insist that I look him in the eye, or tell me to put my phone away (I was fidgeting).

Salt and Light has let me be myself without judgement. I appreciate their support thru this whole pile of confusion and damaging emotions. I hope to someday be an employee not just a volunteer, but even if that doesn’t come to pass, I will use skills I have been learning at Salt and Light to work a real job.

 

Thank you Mike Jenkins, Nathan Montgomery, and Bethany Parker for all of your support.