Why Broken Inside?

I guess I should explain why I’m calling my blog broken inside…

I have depression, anxiety and bipolar.  I’m also on the Autism spectrum so I have a lot of sensory problems.  Put all these things together and life is tough enough, but I also have severe self-esteem issues.  Add that into the mix and its no wonder I feel broken inside but I’m working on feeling better.

I will say this, this blog may get dark sometimes.  I will always post trigger warnings on posts that warrant it.  I will add (TW) to the title of any posts that require one.  I do self harm and I struggle with my depression daily.  However this is my journey and I need to get out everything in my writing.  My hope is that my writing can help somebody else find strength or at least find that they are not alone.

Love,

Patti

 

Advertisements

Fidget…

So there is an addition coming to my apartment soon.  It has 4 legs, a tail, a pink nose, and beautiful greenish blue eyes.  Her name? Fidget…at least for now.  As I type this she waits for me at the Champaign County Humane Society.  I can’t wait to pick her up and bring her home.

Another Night… (TW)

Another cut…
Just a little deeper…
How deep can I go…
Before it’s too deep…

I shake my head…
Knowing I need to stop…
I need to breathe in…
I need to breathe out…

Fighting the urges hurts…
It means facing my pain…
Facing the things that break…
The things that break me…

I don’t know if I can stop…
Stop myself from using pain…
To distract myself from hurt…
Because hurt is so much worse…

Hurt is mental…
Pain is physical…
Hurt is forever…
Pain is temporary…

I’m tired of the hurt.

My Semicolon

So tomorrow I’m getting a semicolon tattoo.  I’m nervous about getting it, but it’s to remind myself that my life isn’t over and that I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I’m getting my tattoo on the leg where I usually cut.  It’s not for other people to see, it’s for me to remember these things;

I am enough.
I am going to be okay.
My story isn’t over yet.
It’s okay to not be okay.

The link below is a link to the official website for the Semicolon Project.  For my friends who have depression, anxiety, are suicidal, or self-harm…

Please remember that our stories aren’t over yet and we write our own ending, and that ending is not now.

The Semicolon Project

 

Bullies

The bully approaches me…
I back away from him…
I don’t dare turn away…
I don’t dare ask for help…

This is written because of recent dreams about things that happened last year when I was living in Peoria.  Although I made terrific friends and reconnected with my best friend, I was also severely bullied.  Eventually the bullies won and I fell into a deep depression that ultimately resulted in me returning to Champaign.

Although I’m still dealing with bullies in my apartment building now, I have many ways to deal with the bullying.  I lost a lot of freedom by moving to Peoria, and being able to come and go as a please is an incredibly important coping skill for me.  In Peoria when I asked for help dealing with the bullying by the then-administrator, I was told to “grow teflon skin.”

I’m not the type of person to ask for help.  So when I ask for help, it means that I really need help. But, instead I was left to deal with it on my own, so I turned to a blade. I wish I hadn’t but at the time I was in a very bad place and I couldn’t think of any other coping skills.  I am so lucky to have friends that stood by me and that held my hand and sat through the tears.

In a future post I will talk more about how my healthy coping strategies, but this whole experience of the last year…

I’ve learned that the ability to leave a situation is far more important for me than I realized.

I’ve learned that I can’t do it alone.

 

Signing off for now,

Patti

Bullies…

I’m so tired of the bullying.  No matter what I do I’m getting harassed and bullied and I’m so tired of it.  I just want these two people to leave me alone and quit hurting me.  These are 2 adults who are determined on pulling me down and hurting me.

Calling me names…
Making me cry…
Calling me fat…
Making me sigh…

Calling me stupid…
Making me cry…
Calling me bitch…
Making me sigh…

We’re adults and yet I feel like I’m back in high school.  I’m tired of being so upset and hurt all the time.  I don’t know how much more of this I can take at this point.  I honestly am so lost that I don’t know what to do anymore.  I don’t want to do this anymore.