Why Broken Inside?

I guess I should explain why I’m calling my blog broken inside…

I have depression, anxiety and bipolar.  I’m also on the Autism spectrum so I have a lot of sensory problems.  Put all these things together and life is tough enough, but I also have severe self-esteem issues.  Add that into the mix and its no wonder I feel broken inside but I’m working on feeling better.

I will say this, this blog may get dark sometimes.  I will always post trigger warnings on posts that warrant it.  I will add (TW) to the title of any posts that require one.  I do self harm and I struggle with my depression daily.  However this is my journey and I need to get out everything in my writing.  My hope is that my writing can help somebody else find strength or at least find that they are not alone.

Love,

Patti

 

Advertisements

My Semicolon

So tomorrow I’m getting a semicolon tattoo.  I’m nervous about getting it, but it’s to remind myself that my life isn’t over and that I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I’m getting my tattoo on the leg where I usually cut.  It’s not for other people to see, it’s for me to remember these things;

I am enough.
I am going to be okay.
My story isn’t over yet.
It’s okay to not be okay.

The link below is a link to the official website for the Semicolon Project.  For my friends who have depression, anxiety, are suicidal, or self-harm…

Please remember that our stories aren’t over yet and we write our own ending, and that ending is not now.

The Semicolon Project

 

Bullies

The bully approaches me…
I back away from him…
I don’t dare turn away…
I don’t dare ask for help…

This is written because of recent dreams about things that happened last year when I was living in Peoria.  Although I made terrific friends and reconnected with my best friend, I was also severely bullied.  Eventually the bullies won and I fell into a deep depression that ultimately resulted in me returning to Champaign.

Although I’m still dealing with bullies in my apartment building now, I have many ways to deal with the bullying.  I lost a lot of freedom by moving to Peoria, and being able to come and go as a please is an incredibly important coping skill for me.  In Peoria when I asked for help dealing with the bullying by the then-administrator, I was told to “grow teflon skin.”

I’m not the type of person to ask for help.  So when I ask for help, it means that I really need help. But, instead I was left to deal with it on my own, so I turned to a blade. I wish I hadn’t but at the time I was in a very bad place and I couldn’t think of any other coping skills.  I am so lucky to have friends that stood by me and that held my hand and sat through the tears.

In a future post I will talk more about how my healthy coping strategies, but this whole experience of the last year…

I’ve learned that the ability to leave a situation is far more important for me than I realized.

I’ve learned that I can’t do it alone.

 

Signing off for now,

Patti

Bullies…

I’m so tired of the bullying.  No matter what I do I’m getting harassed and bullied and I’m so tired of it.  I just want these two people to leave me alone and quit hurting me.  These are 2 adults who are determined on pulling me down and hurting me.

Calling me names…
Making me cry…
Calling me fat…
Making me sigh…

Calling me stupid…
Making me cry…
Calling me bitch…
Making me sigh…

We’re adults and yet I feel like I’m back in high school.  I’m tired of being so upset and hurt all the time.  I don’t know how much more of this I can take at this point.  I honestly am so lost that I don’t know what to do anymore.  I don’t want to do this anymore.

Can’t Sleep

I can’t sleep tonight because of a conflict with some of the people who live in my building.  I am trying so hard to be the “good girl” I’ve always felt pressured to be.  But I’m so tired of trying to give people second, third, and fiftieth chances.  Part of me wants to let these people have another chance… But I can’t anymore.  I can’t let these people pull me down.  I’ve done it before and I lost myself for a while.

If I lose myself again, I know I won’t ever find me again.  I need to learn to make boundaries and how to be strong enough to say no.  I just need to be okay emotionally.

Sensory Overload

My senses are in overload again
I can’t control all the noise
I can’t control the lights
I can’t control the textures
I can’t control the smells

I can’t  deal with this noise
I can’t deal with these lights
I can’t deal with these textures
I can’t deal with the smells

I want to cry and hide
From the noise
From the lights
From the textures
From the smells

But I have to pretend
That I can’t hear everything
That I can’t see the lights flicker
That I can’t feel the textures
That I can’t smell the smells

I have to pretend to be normal