Why Broken Inside?

I guess I should explain why I’m calling my blog broken inside…

I have depression, anxiety and bipolar.  I’m also on the Autism spectrum so I have a lot of sensory problems.  Put all these things together and life is tough enough, but I also have severe self-esteem issues.  Add that into the mix and its no wonder I feel broken inside but I’m working on feeling better.

I will say this, this blog may get dark sometimes.  I will always post trigger warnings on posts that warrant it.  I will add (TW) to the title of any posts that require one.  I do self harm and I struggle with my depression daily.  However this is my journey and I need to get out everything in my writing.  My hope is that my writing can help somebody else find strength or at least find that they are not alone.

Love,

Patti

 

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Salt and Light

Salt and Light has been an amazing blessing in my life.  Recently a lot of crap has come up where they got unfairly slandered.  The same person who did this manipulated me into believing what he said and as a result I felt absolutely shattered once I learned the truth.

Nathan Montgomery pulled me aside and explained a lot of things to me.  He took time to make sure I understood what he was saying and let me take the time to process.  Because of my Autism it sometimes takes me longer to process things.  He didn’t insist that I look him in the eye, or tell me to put my phone away (I was fidgeting).

Salt and Light has let me be myself without judgement. I appreciate their support thru this whole pile of confusion and damaging emotions. I hope to someday be an employee not just a volunteer, but even if that doesn’t come to pass, I will use skills I have been learning at Salt and Light to work a real job.

 

Thank you Mike Jenkins, Nathan Montgomery, and Bethany Parker for all of your support.

Don’t tell me…

Don’t tell me who I can be friends with…
Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do…
Don’t tell me I can’t be amazing…
Don’t tell me I can’t dream…
Don’t tell me you know me…
Don’t tell me I’m not good enough…

I am myself
I am beautiful
I am kind
I am loyal
I am sensitive
I am creative
I am Me
I am enough

Survivor

I am a survivor of abuse and hatred.
I am a survivor of health problems.
I am a survivor of myself.
I am a survivor of self harm and suicide.

I am a survivor of hating myself.
I am a survivor of a broken heart.
I am a survivor of life itself.
I am a survivor of peoples hate.

Fidget…

So there is an addition coming to my apartment soon.  It has 4 legs, a tail, a pink nose, and beautiful greenish blue eyes.  Her name? Fidget…at least for now.  As I type this she waits for me at the Champaign County Humane Society.  I can’t wait to pick her up and bring her home.

Another Night… (TW)

Another cut…
Just a little deeper…
How deep can I go…
Before it’s too deep…

I shake my head…
Knowing I need to stop…
I need to breathe in…
I need to breathe out…

Fighting the urges hurts…
It means facing my pain…
Facing the things that break…
The things that break me…

I don’t know if I can stop…
Stop myself from using pain…
To distract myself from hurt…
Because hurt is so much worse…

Hurt is mental…
Pain is physical…
Hurt is forever…
Pain is temporary…

I’m tired of the hurt.

My Semicolon

So tomorrow I’m getting a semicolon tattoo.  I’m nervous about getting it, but it’s to remind myself that my life isn’t over and that I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I’m getting my tattoo on the leg where I usually cut.  It’s not for other people to see, it’s for me to remember these things;

I am enough.
I am going to be okay.
My story isn’t over yet.
It’s okay to not be okay.

The link below is a link to the official website for the Semicolon Project.  For my friends who have depression, anxiety, are suicidal, or self-harm…

Please remember that our stories aren’t over yet and we write our own ending, and that ending is not now.

The Semicolon Project

 

Bullies

The bully approaches me…
I back away from him…
I don’t dare turn away…
I don’t dare ask for help…

This is written because of recent dreams about things that happened last year when I was living in Peoria.  Although I made terrific friends and reconnected with my best friend, I was also severely bullied.  Eventually the bullies won and I fell into a deep depression that ultimately resulted in me returning to Champaign.

Although I’m still dealing with bullies in my apartment building now, I have many ways to deal with the bullying.  I lost a lot of freedom by moving to Peoria, and being able to come and go as a please is an incredibly important coping skill for me.  In Peoria when I asked for help dealing with the bullying by the then-administrator, I was told to “grow teflon skin.”

I’m not the type of person to ask for help.  So when I ask for help, it means that I really need help. But, instead I was left to deal with it on my own, so I turned to a blade. I wish I hadn’t but at the time I was in a very bad place and I couldn’t think of any other coping skills.  I am so lucky to have friends that stood by me and that held my hand and sat through the tears.

In a future post I will talk more about how my healthy coping strategies, but this whole experience of the last year…

I’ve learned that the ability to leave a situation is far more important for me than I realized.

I’ve learned that I can’t do it alone.

 

Signing off for now,

Patti